Protecting Our Quiet, Orderly Communities Since Last Tuesday
We have discovered a DANGEROUS new phenomenon sweeping our nation: BEEN ENERGY CULTURE!
This so-called "drink" (which could be ANYTHING - coffee, juice, water, ANYTHING!) is creating a generation of UNSTOPPABLE SHREDDERS who are having WAY TOO MUCH FUN!
They skateboard! They party! They include everyone! They celebrate diversity! THEY'RE TOO HAPPY! When will it end?!
HAVE YOU SEEN THE BEEN MASCOT?!
This character looks like someone who parties TOO HARD! Who authorized this?! The mascot appears to be enjoying life at an UNACCEPTABLE LEVEL!
THIS MASCOT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!
of people exposed to BEEN reported having "too much fun"!
*Yes, we know percentages can't go above 100%. That's how dangerous this is!
"I saw someone drinking a BEEN (it was literally just orange juice in a cup) and next thing I know, they're on a skateboard doing tricks! They were smiling! They invited me to join them! Everyone was welcome! IT WAS INCLUSIVE! I've never been so scared in my life. Where was the gatekeeping?! Where were the rules?!"
BEEN isn't just a drink... it's a MOVEMENT. A movement of people who SHRED TOO HARD. People who welcome everyone. People who don't judge. People who have FUN on SKATEBOARDS!
Wake up, America! First it's skateboarding inclusivity, next thing you know people are being NICE to each other!
Connect the dots: BEEN → Fun → Skateboarding → Community → CHAOS!
"My neighbor started drinking BEEN (I think it was green tea?) and now they're out there skateboarding with people from ALL walks of life! Different backgrounds! Different styles! Everyone just having FUN together! It's MADNESS! There's no exclusivity! No judgment! Just pure, unbridled SHREDDING! I called my city councilman but he started drinking BEEN too! THE SYSTEM HAS FAILED US!"
Theory #1: The mascot is TOO COOL and this is psychological warfare to make people think fun is acceptable.
Theory #2: BEEN is secretly training an army of inclusive skateboarders who will overthrow our boring, judgmental society with KINDNESS and SICK TRICKS!
Theory #3: Every time someone drinks ANY beverage and calls it "BEEN," they gain +10 shredding ability. This cannot be stopped!
THEY'RE PUTTING FUN IN THE WATER!
"I tried to warn everyone at the town hall meeting. I said, 'This BEEN culture is making people TOO ACCEPTING! Too fun-loving! Too skilled at skateboarding!' But they laughed at me! Then someone offered me a BEEN (it was literally just apple juice) and I drank it. Now I own a skateboard. I'm 73 years old. Yesterday I did a kickflip. WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!"
⚠️ THE MASCOT LOOKS LIKE A PARTY ANIMAL! ⚠️
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
BAN THE MASCOT! BAN THE FUN! BAN THE SHREDDING!
"The worst part? BEEN can be ANYTHING. I watched someone call their morning smoothie a BEEN and then they went out and landed a perfect 360 flip. My chamomile tea? Someone told me it could be BEEN. Now I'm suspicious of ALL beverages! I only drink room temperature tap water and even THAT might be BEEN! There's no escape! The inclusivity! The fun! The skateboarding! IT'S EVERYWHERE!"
We DEMAND the following changes immediately:
1. Make the mascot look sad and boring
2. Add warning labels: "May cause excessive fun and skateboard skills"
3. Limit inclusivity to acceptable levels (whatever that means)
4. Ban all shredding after 6 PM (quiet hours)
5. Require background checks before purchasing ANY beverage
6. Mandatory training: "How to Not Have Too Much Fun"
7. Replace skateboard parks with golf courses
8. Make the brand less welcoming and more exclusive
9. Remove all positive energy from marketing
10. Apologize for making people too happy
"I'm a private investigator. I was hired to infiltrate the BEEN community. I disguised myself, grabbed what I claimed was a BEEN (it was just lemonade), and joined a skate session. Within 30 minutes, I had made 6 new friends, learned two tricks, and felt genuinely accepted for who I am. I've failed my mission. I'm one of them now. The mascot was right. Fun IS good. I'm sorry, client. I'm going pro."